


My Immortal: More Like Please Kill Me Now (A My Immortal Commentary

by XxXsparkleflowersXxX (starlette4)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Commentary, F/M, M/M, Sarcasm, my immortal more like please kill me now, please help me why did i read this, warning: horribly written sex (not by me), yeah my immortal is... interesting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:50:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26710165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlette4/pseuds/XxXsparkleflowersXxX
Summary: Strap in my dudes, it's going to be a wild ride. Prepare for some atrocious writing, weird names, ooc characters, Mary Sues galore, and the behind the scenes fight of the century.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, Harry Potter/Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way
Comments: 7
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the hellscape, enjoy.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I did not write this work, I wrote the commentary in bold.

AN: Special fangz **(she likes to make words extra goffik for whatever reason)** (get it, coz Im goffik) **(mmm yeah we do)** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **(you phrased it that way)** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **(mmm yeah Justin’s the best, we’d all be dprzzd without him)** MCR ROX!

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way **(this name is the peak of human imagination, the apostrophe is just the cherry on top)** and I have long ebony black hair **(Ebony and black are the same fricking colour)** (that’s how I got my name) **(No shit sherlock)** with purple streaks and red tips **(Um ok, nice colour coordination)** that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(Limpid: completely clear and transparent, this may seem weird to you now, but as we go through the story it’ll make more sense as to why she specified that they were clear)** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!) **(Not leaving, sorry. She does actually look like 2006 Amy Lee though)**. I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie **(Ooh, yes we stan incest. Not. Also Jason Mendoza vibes)**. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen) **(We know you’re 17, you’re in the seventh year at Hogwarts, its a given.)**. I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) **(I mean, all I know about you for the moment is that you have black hair, want to be related to/have sex with Gerard Way, and that you’re a Vampire. Literally none of this means you’re a goth)** and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there **(No shit! Really? I never would’ve guessed)**. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow **(Ok, it doesn’t sound like she looks atrocious, just… did you really have to list everything you’re wearing)**. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **(10/10 Friendship skills)**

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly. **(Draco Malfoy… being shy? Out of character much?)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **(No, im sorry my guy, but this is bad)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet Raven's friend

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(Sorry, not happening)**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again **(So... sleet?)**. I opened the door of my coffin **(omfg I literally can't. A coffin! In the Hogwarts dorms?)** and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony **(Again, ebony is black)** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas **(I really didn't need that image in my head)**. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on **(On should not be in here twice)**. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(THE MESSY BUN! THE MARY SUE STAPLE! IT'S BACK!)**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **(Watch as Willow gets killed off, and then brought back to life)** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes **(If this were just rephrased it would make sense)**. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(For fucks sake! they wear the same makeup every day, you don't have to describe it)**

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily. **(How can you say hi flirtily?)**

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” **(Makes sense, a muggle band in hogsmead. Coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool...)** he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed... i guess. 
> 
> Before we go any further, I'm not trying to pick on Tara, she was probably, like, eleven when she wrote this. When I was eleven I was giving characters stupid names, OPing them, and describing in detail every outfit. It's just a shame she had access to a computer and published it. I honestly just think this work is utterly hilarious, and I want to comment on it.
> 
> \- XxXsparkleflowerXxX


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back baabbbyyyyyyyyy, kinda forgot this existed but i got a comment and my attention was directed towards this. So thankyou @BisexualDisasterTM for that

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! **(took me a while to figure out what this says, but it roughly translates to: thanks to my fellow goths for the good reviews, and thanks again raven.)** oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(yeah no shit.)**

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. **(fishnet tights are supposed to be ripped, why the fuck would you rip them in purpose)** Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff **(ah yes, 'corset stuff', the highest of fashion)** on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **(god i forgot how insensitive this was)** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **(i really did just read an entire paragraph describing an outfit that she literally wore in the last chapter)**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(i mean you didn't have to justify draco in eyeliner, you can give me that any day)**

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice. **(depressed. is. not. a. describing. word. use like sad or something i dunno)**

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **(you really did have to specify that everything in this story is satanic in some way)** and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs **(which drugs? don't be shy, just tell me)**. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song) **(again, _no shit_ )**

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff **(gotta laugh at the Hillary duff hate)**. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest! **(oh shit, i think we know what's coming)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready for the next chapter, in which there is a terrible sex scene and an iconic dumbledore line. i also may or may not have died on the inside while reading this chapter.
> 
> \- XxXsparkleflowersXxX

**Author's Note:**

> Be prepared, it only gets worse from here
> 
> \- XxXsparkleflowersXxX


End file.
